Kaleb Eagles
Kaleb Is a Marxist Leninist Maoist (Formerly Anarchist before he stopped being retarded) Military Commander, Chairman of the DDR, Writer, Weaboo, and former Jew with an interest in Philosophy. He first rose to fame in the Jew Wars where he served the Goldbergs, and Toronto Jews in which he served under Lord Drake. Though it is believed his first major battle in history war the battle of salamander peak. He also fought ad a gentleman in the beef tartar war. He later had a change of heart after getting into Socialism. After the conclusion of the Jew wars Kaleb participated in the Russian Revolution on the side of the Bolsheviks. He never offically joined the army though as he could not speak Russian. Later he moved to Germany in an attempt to help the KDP secure power and bring about a Socialist Germany. It is believed his time in 1920's Germany is where he learned German, he also nutted in some bitch who was Marylin Monroe's mom waitng to get fucked to give birth to Monroe. Kaleb fullfilled this and thus is Marylin Monroe's biological father. In 1934 after it was clear Adolf Hitler's power was solidified in Germany. Kaleb moved back to the United States and planned to join the CPUSA but while in New York on May 6th of 1937 he planned to ride the Hindenburg Zeppelin. But that was the Hindenburg disaster and thus Kaleb suffered injuries that left him in a hospital for a year causing him to never wind up Joining the CPUSA or go to Spain to fight Franco.By July 1938 he was healed and back to his normal life, he worked as a Magazine salesman until the outbreak of WWII. Initially he did not wish to fight in the war and moved to Lithuania, but in 1941 the Nazis invaded the USSR. This forced him to take up arms again and fight the Nazis. His ability to speak German allowed him to slip deep into enemy lines and sabotage Nazi plans. However in 1943 he came across Nazi plans for a spaceship. He tried to take out the Nazis and not let them be gay with the spaceship, but an accident happened which caused the spaceship to send him to Ethane's planet where he remained until 1946 when Lizard Ethane agreed to help him return to earth. With Hitler defeated and the USSR Victorious all seemed ok compared to a few years ago. Kaleb returned to America again and lived in boring ass West Haven, then later New Haven where he got shot so he moved back to West Haven. By 1951 he couldn't take life in suburban america calling it "shitty, boring, gay, and homo slathered in shitty pop art" He would leave America once more to fight for North Korea in the Korean war. Where he was a sniper. Here he picked up his liking for marijuana as he often would smoke weed through his gun barrel and then fall asleep which pissed off his commanding officer a lot. He saw that the war was going nowhere and left before the ceasefire in early 1953. Its unknown what he did until 1959 when he moved again to Europe, he became active in East German politics and Lived there until 1974, during his time there he served his first term as President and Chairman of the DDR from 1963-1969 and after acted as a Stasi member for the duration of his time in the DDR until 1974 as he wished to get back into military work and to stop eating so many Jelly Doughnuts. In February of 1974 his wish came. He was invited to be a General in the Ikean People's Republic. It was here he Reunited with Ethane now in Earth and also also a General in the Ikean Army. The two formed the NazBol African Liberation Front after Kaleb's brother Xander took control of the so called "Fatman Kingdom". Kaleb remained In the Ikean strip and fought in the war until 1985. By 1986 he had moved back to East Germany and held office again as Chairman from 1987-1989. After the fall of East Germany in 1990 he remained in the reunified Germany Federal Republic until 1992 when he recognized Socialist Germany was over. He moved once again to the USA in late 1992 where he lived in L.A and got shot at a lot. He also married Leg until in 1995 when they divorced on good terms. Kaleb left the USA again in 95 and participated in the first chechen war on the side of the Russians. For a few months in 1996 he participated in the Yugoslav civil war to help the Serbs. He remained in Russia until 1998 when he Finally Moved back to the U.S in hopes of finding his place in L.A gang wars, but he got shot at a lot by fellows holding guns sideways so he said fuck it and moved to west haven. Then some fag named Malloy crashed the economy of Connecticut and now Kaleb is pissed because he can't leave West Haven and cannot find a job. It is here he launched his musical careers "Father Lean" (Lean a refrence to his thin figure and the Lil Pump drug) and Lil Zubrowka who is a fucking gopnik. He is currently involved in the Italian Mafia with his brother. Kaleb goes by the alias of "Don Bagadonus" and participated recently in the whacking of many Cappachino family members along with his allies "Fat Tony" and Mr. "Boombots". Trivia * Kaleb's time In 1990's Russia led to him discovering the band Lyube * He hates Cajuns because they are a combination of French and Rednecks * His weapon of choice is a giant purple dildo bat. He has at least 150 confirmed kills with it * Kaleb has a Guitar and is terrible at it * He says his only goal now is "to eat cup noodles, fuck leg, and watch anime. But like not fuck leg in a gay way" * Kaleb supports Alabaman independence simply because he doesn't want to live in the same country as Alabama.